Funny For Happy

Three Girls Go Camping

2009-05-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

Really Funny Jokes-Athlete

2009-05-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

There was an athlete who wanted to accept a scholarship to a well-known college. To be awarded it, however, he had to pass a physical, since it was an athletic scholarship.
When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had "donated" marijuana.
The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!
Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, "Hey, Patti I need a favor. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I'll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here."
Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.
Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the "sample" to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial.
All was fine -- he thought!!
Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, "I'm afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer."
"WHY?" asked Tim.
"We just cannot," said the A.D., "have a pregnant man on our football team!"

Old and wise beats young and stupid

2009-05-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

School Jokes- Worm Science

2009-05-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

smart salesman

2009-05-09T08:36:00.000-07:00

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

just a joke...

2009-05-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want a 12-year-old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls, and says, "Hey bartender! This crap is 5-year-old scotch.I told you that I wanted a 12-year-old."

The bartender won't give up and tries once more, this time with an 8-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces, and says, "Bartender, I do not want 8-year-old scotch like this filth. Give me a 12-year-old scotch or I'll leave!"

Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year-old scotch on the house. The man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "So how old am I?"

Trigger happy Tv

2008-05-02T08:14:00.000-07:00

A Prisoner With Skills

2008-04-30T06:42:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Accident jokes

2008-04-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Funny Collection Of Jokes

2008-04-27T04:58:00.000-07:00

Malaysian Genius Funny at NASA

2008-04-27T02:30:00.000-07:00

NASA was getting ready to launch a very important space shuttle.
The scientists and engineers checked and double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.

However, on the day of our launch, something seemed to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.

Finally, there was an Abdullah who offered to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and agreed to do anything.

"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said theMalaysian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.

"Bring it back to vertical position" the Abdullah said. The engineers did.

"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the rocket took off and flew into outer space!

Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew what to do. He replied - "It is very simple. This is what we always do with our scooters in Malaysia".

Funny in the Train

2008-04-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

An underwriter, an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard.

When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.

The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.

The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.

The underwriter is thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!

Ahaa..Gotcha...you stole my fish!

2008-04-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

'SINGH' JOKES

2008-04-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

Once Zail singh was relaxing in a park. Some kids playing nearby decided to pull his leg.

Walking up to him they asked him, "Sir are you relaxing?" Zail singh replied, "No, I am Zail Singh!"
The kids started laughing wildly and ran off. This terribly confused Zail Singh and he decided to check it out.
He walked up to a guy who was relaxing on a bench near him and asked, "Are you relaxing?" The man replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" Zail Singh answered with satisfaction, "Then those kids are probably looking for you!"

Drinking and Driving

2008-04-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."

In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.

In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.

In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.

In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

A Mental Hospital

2008-04-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home.

I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.""Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Insurance Funny

2008-04-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

Mr. John Johnson III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:"I trusted each you my entire life.

Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others.

It's what he would have wanted."Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson.
We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Johnson would've wanted"The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!"

Lessons In Marketing Joke

2008-04-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Little Boy's Truck & Little Girl's Garage

2008-04-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

A little boy and girl are sitting in a sandbox when they both stand up and their pants fall off and they ask each other "what’s that?" pointing to their private parts.

They both run home and the little boy asks his father what his penis is and dad answers, "That’s your truck, try to park it in as many garages as you can.

"The little girl asks her mother the same question and her mother says, "That's your garage. Don't let any boy park his truck there.

"So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling "Mommy, mommy, a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so i knocked his wheels off!"

Paying Debt Joke

2008-04-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

TWO lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"To which lawyer number one replies, "It’s that $250 I owe you."

I COULD USE A LITTLE MONEY

2008-04-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,Dad

Lawyer consultation fees

2008-04-17T05:32:00.000-07:00

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

The 11 a.m Mystery

2008-04-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward wher! e Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m,regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why thedeaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the nextSunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves.what the terrible phenomenon was all about..................
Just when the clock struck 11...and then......then.....then....and then....

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Insurance Joke

2008-04-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here 'cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer, "I'm here 'cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer pondered the engineer's plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Hot Shot

2008-04-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Stolen Credit Card

2008-04-08T05:35:00.000-07:00

A couple is at the police station reporting a missing credit card,

Wife,very mad: I'm here to report a stolen credit card, the guy who stole it its purchasing stuff left and right without our consent.

Husban: No, no its o.k honey, I'd think we better go and let this people do their jobsWife, histerical: What do you mean lets go, my credit card got stolen and you are this calm,

Police officer: Do you want to make a report? yes or no?

Husband; No officer I don't want to make any reports because the guy who stole the credit card is spending less than she is...

Kid's Trouble

2008-04-05T06:27:00.000-07:00

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8- year old first in the morning with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man, with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question “Where is God?” Again., the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed “Where is God?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!”

Funny is a Best Medicine

2008-04-05T03:40:00.000-07:00

When we have a problem...what is the first thing that we can do?
solve the problem...?
Funny is the BEST MEDICINE for all PROBLEMS...